Oh the pain.

Since Sunday, I have been in the most constant pain I've ever felt. After practice, every muscle in my body began to hate me. So, after living on H2O and bananas for two days, my muscles are slowly starting to loosen up. Last night my friend massaged my legs and around my knees, the muscles were so tense that when she did, it was without a doubt the most excruciating pain I've ever experienced. No amount of pain has ever put me into tears, but last night was the first. I never realized how painful life is when it hurts to walk or sit still for class without cramping up. Oh the joys of softball at PC - the team that thinks it's a Division I program, which often keeps me very entertained.

At practice, our coach said something that made me laugh (though perhaps I was just delirious from the pain). He said in the middle of our core workout, "You guys want to go to the NCAA tournament, then this is how we get there." And that is when it struck me. Sports and athletics have always been a passion of mine as long as I can remember, until now. Now, at 20 and a junior college, I've realized that my priorities are no longer what they were in high school. After hearing him say that as his form of encouragement, my body gave out from under me and I collapsed to my back and laughed loudly enough for my voice to be heard all over the gym. With a gasp, I said, "I just want to go to law school!" Apparently it was funny enough to have a domino effect down the line, as three of my other teammates collapsed around me, laughing and grabbing their abdomens in pain. Though I'm sure my coach didn't find it as funny as we did, I felt a growing sense self. A sort of "bring it on, I've got better things to focus on" kind of attitude, because for one of the first times in my life, I'm realizing that there will be life after softball, one that I am totally in control of.

As for the job search, I am still jobless. It kills me to talk to people who have three jobs on campus and not just look them in the eyes and say, "Can't you share?" I had one small hope of working at home basketball and volleyball games, but thanks to my wonderful junior seminar on Thursday afternoons, I was forced to have three night classes per week. After I responded with my availability, I haven't heard back. Sweet life.

Here's a little something new.

Somewhere a queen is weeping
Somewhere a king has no wife
All because of his crosstown traffic,
In the midst of our broken lives

My purple haze surrounds me
As I kiss the sky in vain
“No monarchy is this!” I cry,
Yet the masses retain their ways

The wind at my back cries Mary,
Queen of Scots upon my silver screen
Katharine Hepburn seals this deal
Yet she is not our queen

Her king is instead a wild thing,
A Johnny B. Goode who sits alone
Staring at this glowing light
Wishing that he could only know

That wish he makes clouds my brain
Much like this purple haze,
Yet it is shattered by his vision
Of happier perfect days.

All along his watchtower
This kingdom claims to own
Yet their rule is useless,
That they should have known

The queen is instead the first to see
The truth of their futile rule
Within the cluttered traffic she weeps,
And blames herself a fool

Upon these little wings she flies,
As no tyranny could remain,
But a fire deep within her king,
Leaves a dreamer with nothing gained.

***

Cheers.