The diary entry that shouldn't be but is...

Now I know blogs are supposed to be more than just a diary entry... The only thing I have to say to that right now is tough shit. You're going to read it and to be honest, I don't care what you think I just need to say it.

So much has been going on in my life lately. Foremost I'm swamped with school work, more than I ever have been in my life. My classes have simmered down to a dense mass of papers, projects, and presentations, all served with a side softball and reading. All I can say is that I know other people have it much worse than I do...

Emotionally, I feel a little shaky. My head can't seem to stop spinning. I had to read The Great Gatsby for my literature class and that really just got me thinking even more about how relevant past experiences are to your own present existence. Ironically enough, a few other things from my past have popped up this week and gotten me to raise the never ending question... What if.

It's been awhile.

So I realize that it's been awhile since I've posted on my more personal blog, although I come bearing good news and some sad. For my junior seminar in journalism, we were asked to build a blog focused tightly around what we call a 'beat.' This beat can (for the most part) be just about anything with the exception of a personal diary and account of daily life, which this has obviously digressed towards. Some of you may agree or disagree, but I felt blogger to be a little more limiting than I wanted as far as image quality and creativity is concerned. After playing with WordPress for a few DAYS I felt comfortable enough with it to launch my new blog about athletics at Purchase College. If you're at all interested in athletics or my feelings about Purchase in general, definitely check it out. It's called the Panther Pen and its pretty nifty. Good news, is that I'm still going to use this blog as a creative outlet for everything else that comes to mind - poetry, short stories, etc.

For right now, it's back to the endless amount of reading that I have yet to start or finish. Ah, the life of a college student. I love it.

Oh the pain.

Since Sunday, I have been in the most constant pain I've ever felt. After practice, every muscle in my body began to hate me. So, after living on H2O and bananas for two days, my muscles are slowly starting to loosen up. Last night my friend massaged my legs and around my knees, the muscles were so tense that when she did, it was without a doubt the most excruciating pain I've ever experienced. No amount of pain has ever put me into tears, but last night was the first. I never realized how painful life is when it hurts to walk or sit still for class without cramping up. Oh the joys of softball at PC - the team that thinks it's a Division I program, which often keeps me very entertained.

At practice, our coach said something that made me laugh (though perhaps I was just delirious from the pain). He said in the middle of our core workout, "You guys want to go to the NCAA tournament, then this is how we get there." And that is when it struck me. Sports and athletics have always been a passion of mine as long as I can remember, until now. Now, at 20 and a junior college, I've realized that my priorities are no longer what they were in high school. After hearing him say that as his form of encouragement, my body gave out from under me and I collapsed to my back and laughed loudly enough for my voice to be heard all over the gym. With a gasp, I said, "I just want to go to law school!" Apparently it was funny enough to have a domino effect down the line, as three of my other teammates collapsed around me, laughing and grabbing their abdomens in pain. Though I'm sure my coach didn't find it as funny as we did, I felt a growing sense self. A sort of "bring it on, I've got better things to focus on" kind of attitude, because for one of the first times in my life, I'm realizing that there will be life after softball, one that I am totally in control of.

As for the job search, I am still jobless. It kills me to talk to people who have three jobs on campus and not just look them in the eyes and say, "Can't you share?" I had one small hope of working at home basketball and volleyball games, but thanks to my wonderful junior seminar on Thursday afternoons, I was forced to have three night classes per week. After I responded with my availability, I haven't heard back. Sweet life.

Here's a little something new.

Somewhere a queen is weeping
Somewhere a king has no wife
All because of his crosstown traffic,
In the midst of our broken lives

My purple haze surrounds me
As I kiss the sky in vain
“No monarchy is this!” I cry,
Yet the masses retain their ways

The wind at my back cries Mary,
Queen of Scots upon my silver screen
Katharine Hepburn seals this deal
Yet she is not our queen

Her king is instead a wild thing,
A Johnny B. Goode who sits alone
Staring at this glowing light
Wishing that he could only know

That wish he makes clouds my brain
Much like this purple haze,
Yet it is shattered by his vision
Of happier perfect days.

All along his watchtower
This kingdom claims to own
Yet their rule is useless,
That they should have known

The queen is instead the first to see
The truth of their futile rule
Within the cluttered traffic she weeps,
And blames herself a fool

Upon these little wings she flies,
As no tyranny could remain,
But a fire deep within her king,
Leaves a dreamer with nothing gained.

***

Cheers.

Post-Game

For someone who had little vested interest in this year's Super Bowl, the game turned out to be more entertaining than I expected. With the win the Pittsburgh Steelers, a team I once loved to hate, grabbed their sixth Lombardi trophy and became the first franchise in NFL history to do so. And even for the untouchable Steelers, it did not come easy by any measure. But then again, no Championship really ever should.

Some random thoughts.

For some reason unknown to me, I always seem to become a bit more nostalgic at the start of softball season.  Tomorrow, the season starts at 7 a.m.  I'm often reminded (on my seemingly endless walk to the gym) of last season's mishaps and laughs, and everything that contributed to finding a place on the team at Purchase as the new girl from upstate New York.  So with the hours winding down before the start of this year's season, I found myself looking through portfolios of material that I wrote prior to transferring to Purchase and some that I wrote at the beginning of last season... With that said, cheers to softball on Sunday mornings - enjoy.

New York City

Her center of the universe,

From above a portrait of uneven silver specks,

But from the Hudson and East River,

Towering grey surrounds

and stare down.

Before the blinding city lights,

Here lies New Amsterdam

Filled with filth and misery

Home to new thought and life

But tonight our skyline shines,

A thousand stars yet none in the sky.

Today she weaves her way

Through square blocked streets

Imagining how her life should be

And brushes past a three-piece suit of a man,

Caged in by his iPod, 

Thinking the same.

He is the song she sings at night,

and she is all he'd been hoping for

Yet both go on about their ways,

This man walks past his towers

On down the crowded street

To his 11th floor cubicle called a job,

No window and no view

But the grey walls surrounding him

Much like the world he knew.

At 5 p.m. his day is done,

Just like her and millions more

He heads underground to his studio

on the G to Brooklyn 

While she takes the A train home to Harlem

Neither know each other and chances are neither ever will.

These alienated strangers are the products

Of once huddled masses

That only sought and yearned for freedom

That we now ignore in this steel fortress,

Lit with neon and chrome,

The city is our being and all we know.

***

On a side note, let me just say that this year's Superbowl is more than disappointing.  First for the fact that the Giants didn't even make it past the Eagles, followed by the dread of the start of my own season bright and early on what is traditionally an amazing day for the final game of the football season.  I'm indifferent about the outcome, but I guess if I had to, I'm picking Pittsburgh to win it.  I'll still be wearing my Eli jersey during the game simply out of spite at this point.

Still on the search.

Since I came back to Purchase for the Spring semester I've been on the hunt for a new job. Beginning in September I worked at a restaurant just off campus despite not having a car. Riding a bike had its perks, which were particularly evident on my calves and thighs, but as soon as the snow fell, transportation became a more serious issue. Even more of an issue for me this semester is my overloaded academic schedule and varsity softball - making a job off campus virtually impossible. So, with softball starting in less than a week I'm not left with many options other than to try to find a job on campus. With that I have had even less luck, emailing almost every office on campus with only one being returned. But - after forwarding my schedule, I have yet to hear back again.

Starting the semester jobless isn't exactly the most uplifting experience one can have. But it could be worse. My roommate, a dancer from New Mexico, has it just as hard as I do, however, her tuition increase for the semester severely outweighed mine. Against my $300 state increase, my roomie had to pay an increase of $1,300. I guess now more than ever, attending a state school as an in-state student has its' perks.

A little intro perhaps?

So for the millions or more who don't know me, my name is Meghan. Like many others my age, I am just another financially stressed and struggling student, attending Purchase College just north of New York City. I take pictures and play a lot of sports, but above all I love to write, which perhaps explains my choice to major in journalism.

To start, it would be fair to say that I am not the type of person to write with the intention of complaining about how terrible school is and how life could not get any worse. I'm more the type to use my experiences as a chronicle of a student attempting to make the best out of a worsening economic situation. So, although I'm sure these entries will be laced from time to time with things that aren't as ideally reflective as they ought to be, it will at least provide a sense of the difficulties encountered by many more than just myself.

Anyways, thanks for reading. I'm sure there will be more to come.